For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf,

# 142

Wed, 05 Aug 2009 01:14:52 GMT

PRIVATE TO MARAUDERS.

I don't know where we went wrong. Maybe it was joining the Order -- maybe it was meeting on the train in first year. I had always believed that, eventually, all of you would leave me. One day you'd all realise how tiring it is to deal with a werewolf for a friend, and you'd move on to new and better people and things. I said it time and time again, but all of you said I was wrong. I even started to believe it, after Marlene -- I suppose the lingering fear that I'd be left alone was still there, but it was easier to accept that maybe I was wrong. Maybe all of us would always be friends, and I'd always be eating pancakes for breakfast with Marlene, or telling Prongs to stop trying to spoon me every Tuesday, or letting Padfoot drag me along to do something incredibly stupid, or doing something that is actually sane with Wormtail and Lily. I guess that in the end, I was right. I just never thought it would happen like this. I never wanted it to be like this.

I think we all knew something like this could happen when we agreed to join the Order. Perhaps not accepted it -- but deep down, we all knew. We just didn't believe it, because all of us went in thinking nothing could touch us. How were we to know the war would ever reach the level it is now? We thought we could win with peaceful sit-ins and mild vandalism. How stupid we all were to think the most we'd ever come home with were a few bruises and scratches. Now some of us will never be coming home at all. I should have known the moment Greyback murdered my parents that this was not something we should be involved in. We should have left then, but we didn't. I guess we thought we could still make a difference, even as things became progressively worse. All that changed was that we lost our families, and eventually began to lose our friends, too.

When Peter was taken, I thought we'd still be able to get him back. We didn't know where to even start looking -- but none of us were going to give up on him, despite every dead end we came to. Then James -- I still don't understand why I was left behind. I suppose because of his blood; but then, Peter isn't a pureblood, either. I don't know. Maybe because I'm a werewolf -- how much could they possibly do with me? I was left behind again when Rodolphus took Marlene. I have nightmares of seeing her left on the bed like she had been. She was so pale and still and I wish that I had dreams of her still alive, but I don't. I was tempted not to come back when Sirius was murdered. I wanted to lay there and never get up again because I couldn't handle being left behind a third time. I wish it had been me instead -- but I knew I couldn't. I had to come back because Harry deserves to grow up with a father. A full family. I wanted that with Marlene, I realised -- a family. We had both lost ours and I think it would have been good for us, even if the thought still terrifies me. I would probably still deny it if she were still alive. I suppose it took losing her for me to realise what we could have had.

So I can't run away yet. Someone needs to still be whole by the end of all of this, and it can't be me. If we can get James and Peter out, I'm sure we'll be able to help them realise what Travers has done, and then all of you can get on with your lives as they should be; not what Travers tells you it should be.

I miss all of you so much & I'm so sorry I couldn't stop any of these things from happening. Now the only one of you left who can read this despises me. You can hate me as much as you want to, James, if it helps -- but I won't give up on you or Peter.

/ PRIVATE TO MARAUDERS.

# 141

Tue, 04 Aug 2009 14:15:33 GMT

PRIVATE TO THE ORDER.

sirius and I were going to james and lily's place to pick up the things they had bought for harry before. we took a portkey before we left and I had it in my pocket. we checked the wards when we got there but I guess they had put up new ones after they took james. death eaters came and grabbed us both and side-apparated us against our will to some large field with a hill where I guess so no one could find us. I don't know who they were. they had masks on. we fought and we didn't win and they left us both for-

I lost a lot of blood and I blacked out after they left. they snapped sirius' wand and mine was lost and I guess the portkey had fallen out during the fight at some point.

when I woke up sirius was he ~~left m~~ was gone before I could find my wand.

and that's all that happened. I'm sorry.

/ PRIVATE TO THE ORDER.

# 140

Sun, 02 Aug 2009 23:39:39 GMT

PRIVATE TO THE ORDER.

at front door of safehouse please help there is blood and sirius isn't breathing

/ PRIVATE TO THE ORDER.

# 139

Fri, 31 Jul 2009 00:53:40 GMT

PRIVATE TO SELF.

Dead. He's dead. I don't understand. Shouldn't I be happier about this? I want to be happy, but it's difficult -- somehow it only feels as if I've lost you all over again. How has it nearly been a month already?

It's pointless, all of it. What are we doing? What am I doing? Why is this war not over? Sirius seems suddenly so happy and sure that we can win this, and I am not sure where his optimism has come from. Rodolphus is -- was -- just one person. Only one. They will be angry, they will kill more people, and then they will recover just as always. Perhaps he will no longer hurt or kill people, but the others will. People will keep dying. I don't want to fight anymore.

I tried to hurt him by taking his family, but what did I accomplish? Nothing. Innocent people were killed. Tabitha and James were hurt. I sent pieces of him to his wife and his aunt. I refused to bend to the threats of killing the people I was trying to save. That is what I did. I'm not Frank. I'm not a trained Auror. I'm a twenty year old werewolf & I was stupid to think that someone like me joining the Order could make a difference.

I hope he felt loss.

/ PRIVATE TO SELF.

[ OOC: Ward cast by Sirius Black. ]

# 138

Thu, 30 Jul 2009 00:53:24 GMT

PRIVATE TO SIRIUS & RODOLPHUS & BELLATRIX.

Time's up. You have 24 hours from now to comply to my demands, or you will be hearing your son's voice over the radio confessing to his crimes. I don't need to remind you what will happen in 48 hours if you continue to ignore my demands.

/ PRIVATE TO SIRIUS & RODOLPHUS & BELLATRIX.

# 137

Wed, 29 Jul 2009 05:52:56 GMT

PRIVATE TO TIBBY.

I know that you probably can't read this -- but I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

/ PRIVATE TO TIBBY.

# 136

Wed, 29 Jul 2009 01:20:56 GMT

PRIVATE TO SIRIUS & RODOLPHUS & BELLATRIX.

I have your son. If you want him back in one piece & alive, then you will do as I say. I want James Potter, Peter Pettigrew, Tabitha MacFusty, and Aberforth Dumbledore returned -- healthy, uninjured, and in one piece. No Imperius, no polyjuice; no games or attempt at trickery.

If you don't comply within 24 hours, I will make sure that Marius is be unable to have anymore children to carry on your family name.

In 48 hours, I will force him to admit to all his crimes (and confirm the crimes of other Death Eaters) over Resistance Radio.

In 72 hours, I will kill him.

These are my terms, and they are not open to negotiation.

/ PRIVATE TO SIRIUS & RODOLPHUS & BELLATRIX.

# 135

Wed, 29 Jul 2009 00:16:30 GMT

PRIVATE TO SIRIUS.

need help

in house marius and pryce kept us in. furzedown

bring healing supplies

DON'T TELL ANYONE

/ PRIVATE TO SIRIUS.

# 134

Mon, 27 Jul 2009 04:11:46 GMT

PRIVATE TO THE ORDER.

Ms Pinkstone has contacted me asking if there is a safe place she can stay for a few weeks. Is there a safehouse I can direct her to for her to stay?

/ PRIVATE TO THE ORDER.

# 133

Wed, 22 Jul 2009 15:28:21 GMT

PRIVATE TO SIRIUS.

I think I wanted my life to turn out like you said it would. All of it.

/ PRIVATE TO SIRIUS.

# 132

Wed, 22 Jul 2009 00:07:19 GMT

PRIVATE TO GAIUS TRAVERS.

What have you done with James?

/ PRIVATE TO GAIUS TRAVERS.

# 131

Mon, 20 Jul 2009 14:11:16 GMT

PRIVATE TO JO SAVAGE.

I would like to invite you to speak on Resistance Radio. Anything that you would like to say will be more than welcome, but our main focus in this broadcast is the Death Eaters and what they have done. We'd like people to share their personal experiences and call out the Death Eaters for their crimes, sparing no detail. Of course, anything you may feel uncomfortable sharing, you do not have to talk about -- and we also have potions available to change your voice should you wish to remain anonymous.

I also need your word that you understand this invitation is for you and you alone. We have also extended an invitation to Mr Shacklebolt, but otherwise, I ask that you do not bring anyone else if you decide you'd like to come speak.

/ PRIVATE TO JO SAVAGE.

PRIVATE TO MARY MACDONALD.

I would like to invite you to speak on Resistance Radio. Anything that you would like to say will be more than welcome, but our main focus in this broadcast is the Death Eaters and what they have done. We'd like people to share their personal experiences and call out the Death Eaters for their crimes, sparing no detail. Of course, anything you may feel uncomfortable sharing, you do not have to talk about -- and we also have potions available to change your voice should you wish to remain anonymous. I know you've had encounters (other than the one in school) with Demetrius Mulciber, and with his position in the DMLE, we'd love to get as much dirt on him out there as we can.

I also need your word that you understand this invitation is for you and you alone. I ask that you do not bring anyone else if you decide you'd like to come speak.

/ PRIVATE TO MARY MACDONALD.

PRIVATE TO CARLOTTA PINKSTONE.

Hello, Ms Pinkstone; I believe we have only spoken a couple times, but I think you may have known my wife, Marlene Lupin (formerly McKinnon), who was the host behind Resistance Radio after Agnes O'Hare was murdered by Tabitha Pryce. Marlene was murdered by Rodolphus Lestrange nearly three weeks ago, and so I will be taking over the programme.

If you're interested, I would like to invite you to speak on Resistance Radio. Anything that you would like to say will be more than welcome (I know that I would be interested to hear anything more you may know about the discrimination in the Ministry offered Safehouses), but our main focus in this broadcast is the Death Eaters and what they have done. We'd like people to share their personal experiences and call out the Death Eaters for their crimes, sparing no detail. Of course, anything you may feel uncomfortable sharing, you do not have to talk about -- and we also have potions available to change your voice should you wish to remain anonymous.

I also need your word that you understand this invitation is for you and you alone. I ask that you do not bring anyone else if you decide you'd like to come speak.

/ PRIVATE TO CARLOTTA PINKSTONE.

PRIVATE TO THE ORDER.

I have just invited Jo Savage, Carlotta Pinkstone, and Mary MacDonald to come and speak on Resistance Radio. I believe Hestia has invited Kingsley Shacklebolt (any update on that?), but if there is anyone else who any of you think is trustworthy to come in and speak, let me know. Getting as many people as we can on to talk about what the Death Eaters have done is ideal -- and this goes for everyone in the Order, too. We still have voice changing potions should you wish to speak but remain anonymous -- or, if you'd rther not speak at all, I have made a copy of Alice's list and have tacked it up it in the largest study room, if anyone would like to add any notes and we will be sure that they are read on the air.

/ PRIVATE TO THE ORDER.

# 130

Sun, 19 Jul 2009 13:33:55 GMT

PRIVATE TO SELF.

I think I preferred the safehouse when it was smaller instead of enough for all of us to have our own bedrooms.

/ PRIVATE TO SELF.

PRIVATE TO THE ORDER.

As Mr Avery so kindly invited Alice to make her accusations public, but we are all, obviously, in no position to appear before the Wizengamot without being arrested or killed on the spot, I am sure that Resistance Radio would work just as well. I'd like to compile a list of every known Death Eater along with every crime they have commited. While, obviously, the DMLE will not do anything with this information other that become angry at us, our true goal will be to urge the public to question their government and encourage distrust in the system and in the people running it.

/ PRIVATE TO THE ORDER.

# 129

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 13:16:44 GMT

PRIVATE TO SELF.

I don't feel any better. I'm still anxious; I hate being cooped up in the safehouse. What are we all waiting for? They are going to come to us if we don't get them first. Is that what they want? Are we all just going to sit here and wait to be taken in the middle of the night, only to show up dead by morning? If that's the case, they should have let me stay in ~~our~~ my home. I thought getting outside for a little while would help; I usually come back feeling a little better.

It's been just over two weeks. Why does it feel like so much longer? I know it's supposed to get easier, but-

/ PRIVATE TO SELF.

PRIVATE TO SIRIUS.

That didn't help. Let's do something else.

/ PRIVATE TO SIRIUS.

# 128

Mon, 13 Jul 2009 16:21:52 GMT

PRIVATE TO THE ORDER.

We have more people to get out of the Rehabilitation Centre. We need to come up with a plan before they take anyone else -- or before they have a chance to turn anyone else against us. In theory, I think I could still get inside the same way I did before, but we'll have to come up with a different plan.

/ PRIVATE TO THE ORDER.

'These sentences show that the Wizengamot is nothing but fair'? While I do not support Death Eaters or their supportive family members, I find it a strange decision to help a woman who is supposedly mentally unstable only to put her straight into Azkaban right after she is deemed healthy again. I suppose Death Eaters would find it fair to only subject someone to Dementors only when they are able to fully comprehend where they are. No fun in mentally torturing someone if they're already unstable, is it?

Then again, I wouldn't call someone who wants to escape the country when it's under the control of a government run by Death Eaters mentally unstable. That sounds quite sane to me.

# 127

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 09:13:55 GMT

PRIVATE TO SELF.

So that's it, then.

I find myself writing in my journal more than I have in a very long time. I suppose that's because now I don't have you to talk to anymore. Even though I am opening this book more frequently, I can't bring myself to care much about what anyone else is saying. Even the Order. It's difficult to pay attention; I think my motivation died with you. There are people I love who still need help -- James and Peter need to be rescued from the Rehabilitaion Centre. Lily needs looking after with her baby on the way. And Sirius -- I suppose he needs looking after without James. I spoke of continuing to fight for the people who lost their lives to this war at your memorial. I know that I should, but all I can think about -- all I want -- is to save my friends and take revenge against Rodolphus. Is this how you felt when you thought you lost me?

I want to take the people he loves so that he feels the way I did when he took you. I want him to know I have someone from his family, but unable to do anything about it, and feel as helpless as I did. Is this wrong to want it so strongly? Marius is the obvious choice, or perhaps his sister -- Bellatrix is too strong to consider. Sirius already saw to taking away her ability to have children; I believe what would hurt Rodolphus the most is to find a way to end his family line. Knowing his family name will die with him, or his brother, or his son. I only hope Marius' child will be a girl. If I could just kill Marius and Rabastan

That night at the Rehabilitation Centre, when I used the Crutiatus Curse -- I don't regret it. I thought that I would. I have been so afraid of using the Unforgivable Curses, thinking that they would only lead to worse things, that the dark magic would only be an influence to the dark magic inside of me... but I have realised I don't care anymore, and that scares me. I should regret it.

The full moon is soon. I am looking forward to it; I will still be helping Damocles with the potion, but I don't think I would be disappointed if it did not work. To lose myself for one night would be a temporary and very welcome release from all of this. I am so tired of thinking about how much I have lost. They forced me to abandon the home we ~~were going to sta~~ bought together. I understand why. I understand it was too dangerous to stay -- but part of me hoped Rodolphus would come back so that I could face him.

I think that I am going to send Sammie and Lady to stay with my aunt, or maybe your uncle. I want to make sure that they are happy and well taken care of. Staying with me is too dangerous right now, ~~and what if one day I don't~~ Only until the end of the war. Sammie hasn't been sleeping or eating well. She is so loyal to you -- she stays up late into the night waiting for you to come back. How do I explain to a dog that you aren't coming home anymore?

I wish we could've had longer, too. I can't find you this time. You're someplace I can't go because I couldn't find you when Rodolphus took you. I'm so sorry.

/ PRIVATE TO SELF.

# 126

Fri, 03 Jul 2009 16:22:30 GMT

PRIVATE TO THE ORDER.

marlene's memorial will be at 7:00pm tonight, in the safehouse.

also, if anyone can teach me how to take care of her plants, I would appreciate it. I'm not sure what they need and I think she would be sad if I let them die ~~like her~~

thank you.

/ PRIVATE TO THE ORDER.

# 125

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 16:38:13 GMT

PRIVATE TO SIRIUS.

She's still gone.

/ PRIVATE TO SIRIUS.

# 124

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 01:53:51 GMT

PRIVATE TO THE ORDER.

Marlene is gone.

/ PRIVATE TO THE ORDER.

PRIVATE TO MARIUS.

Do you have all your affairs in order?

/ PRIVATE TO MARIUS.

# 123

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 23:43:06 GMT

PRIVATE TO SELF; MARLENE CAN READ.

We failed. How could we have failed? How could we have left without James and Peter? ~~What if they're not even~~ Now that they are going to have more security, it will not be so simple to get back inside. If the Death Eaters found out we were in there this time -- it will be much easier for them to find us next time. We'll have to come up with a new plan; I'm not ready to give up on them. I can't.

I just don't know what to do. I don't have all the answers. I wish I did -- and I wish I were strong enough so that we never had to run away.

/ PRIVATE TO SELF; MARLENE CAN READ.

# 122

Tue, 16 Jun 2009 04:27:05 GMT

PRIVATE TO THE ORDER.

I

They've got James

I'm coming back before they get back

/ PRIVATE TO THE ORDER.

# 121

Tue, 16 Jun 2009 02:08:22 GMT

PRIVATE TO THE ORDER.

Even though the hostages have since been freed, I think that we should still continue to consider the ideas we had been brainstorming. I've been thinking more about Marlene's suggestion to set fires in Knockturne Alley. Although there are several bad shops there, we need to take two things into account: One, that the fires could get out of control and damage some of Diagon Alley. Two, that there are shop owners who live above their shops and would be caught in the fires. Some of them may even have children. Therefor, I think that if we are going to do this, we have to make sure we only hit shops that no one lives in and that we are able to contain the fires to just those specific shops. With the map of Diagon Alley in our possession, it shouldn't be difficult to sneak in and out after curfew to have a quick look at the shops and see which ones we can hit.

James -- if you want to meet me at my house, I've got the map. You and I can head over tonight for a little bit and have a look.

/ PRIVATE TO THE ORDER.

# 120

Fri, 12 Jun 2009 03:31:14 GMT

PRIVATE TO THE ORDER; MINUS MARLENE.

Not to distract from planning our next move, but it is Marlene's birthday on Saturday. Seeing as how I think we all have things to celebrate right now, I think she would enjoy having everyone over -- at the Order safehouse, so no one needs to feel unsafe -- for a surprise party. ~~I'm really not good at pl~~ ~~We don't have a lot of money, so~~ Alcohol, cake, and ice cream will be provided, and I was thinking any other food could be potluck.

Again, it's a surprise party -- I think it would make her happy to see everyone there. I'm thinking if everyone who can come can get there around 5:45 PM, I can bring Marlene over at 6:00 PM.

/ PRIVATE TO THE ORDER; MINUS MARLENE.

# 119

Wed, 10 Jun 2009 01:48:58 GMT

PRIVATE TO THE ORDER.

I've just heard Hephaestus and Chloris Burke speaking over the listening device -- it seems that these relatives of the Lestranges do not wish to stay in England anymore. They are planning to use Muggle means to escape, as the rest of their family don't want them to leave, apparently. Aeneas Nott threatened to throw them into jail, and Rabastan Lestrange threatened to kill them -- they are also afraid that Voldemort will think they are traitors after they've expressed they don't like the war.

I do not know how useful this information can be -- but there it is. Discontent in the ranks is always a useful thing to know.

/ PRIVATE TO THE ORDER.

PRIVATE TO MARLENE.

I need to go out alone tonight.

/ PRIVATE TO MARLENE.

# 118

Sun, 07 Jun 2009 22:29:26 GMT

PRIVATE TO MARLENE.

Alright, I give in. I can't do this vegetarian thing anymore.

How are you feeling?

/ PRIVATE TO MARLENE.