InsaneJournal

I don't know where we went wrong. Maybe it was joining the Order -- maybe it was meeting on the train in first year. I had always believed that, eventually, all of you would leave me. One day you'd all realise how tiring it is to deal with a werewolf for a friend, and you'd move on to new and better people and things. I said it time and time again, but all of you said I was wrong. I even started to believe it, after Marlene -- I suppose the lingering fear that I'd be left alone was still there, but it was easier to accept that maybe I was wrong. Maybe all of us would always be friends, and I'd always be eating pancakes for breakfast with Marlene, or telling Prongs to stop trying to spoon me every Tuesday, or letting Padfoot drag me along to do something incredibly stupid, or doing something that is actually sane with Wormtail and Lily. I guess that in the end, I was right. I just never thought it would happen like this. I never wanted it to be like this.

I think we all knew something like this could happen when we agreed to join the Order. Perhaps not accepted it -- but deep down, we all knew. We just didn't believe it, because all of us went in thinking nothing could touch us. How were we to know the war would ever reach the level it is now? We thought we could win with peaceful sit-ins and mild vandalism. How stupid we all were to think the most we'd ever come home with were a few bruises and scratches. Now some of us will never be coming home at all. I should have known the moment Greyback murdered my parents that this was not something we should be involved in. We should have left then, but we didn't. I guess we thought we could still make a difference, even as things became progressively worse. All that changed was that we lost our families, and eventually began to lose our friends, too.

When Peter was taken, I thought we'd still be able to get him back. We didn't know where to even start looking -- but none of us were going to give up on him, despite every dead end we came to. Then James -- I still don't understand why I was left behind. I suppose because of his blood; but then, Peter isn't a pureblood, either. I don't know. Maybe because I'm a werewolf -- how much could they possibly do with me? I was left behind again when Rodolphus took Marlene. I have nightmares of seeing her left on the bed like she had been. She was so pale and still and I wish that I had dreams of her still alive, but I don't. I was tempted not to come back when Sirius was murdered. I wanted to lay there and never get up again because I couldn't handle being left behind a third time. I wish it had been me instead -- but I knew I couldn't. I had to come back because Harry deserves to grow up with a father. A full family. I wanted that with Marlene, I realised -- a family. We had both lost ours and I think it would have been good for us, even if the thought still terrifies me. I would probably still deny it if she were still alive. I suppose it took losing her for me to realise what we could have had.

So I can't run away yet. Someone needs to still be whole by the end of all of this, and it can't be me. If we can get James and Peter out, I'm sure we'll be able to help them realise what Travers has done, and then all of you can get on with your lives as they should be; not what Travers tells you it should be.





I miss all of you so much & I'm so sorry I couldn't stop any of these things from happening. Now the only one of you left who can read this despises me. You can hate me as much as you want to, James, if it helps -- but I won't give up on you or Peter.