InsaneJournal

So that's it, then.

I find myself writing in my journal more than I have in a very long time. I suppose that's because now I don't have you to talk to anymore. Even though I am opening this book more frequently, I can't bring myself to care much about what anyone else is saying. Even the Order. It's difficult to pay attention; I think my motivation died with you. There are people I love who still need help -- James and Peter need to be rescued from the Rehabilitaion Centre. Lily needs looking after with her baby on the way. And Sirius -- I suppose he needs looking after without James. I spoke of continuing to fight for the people who lost their lives to this war at your memorial. I know that I should, but all I can think about -- all I want -- is to save my friends and take revenge against Rodolphus. Is this how you felt when you thought you lost me?

I want to take the people he loves so that he feels the way I did when he took you. I want him to know I have someone from his family, but unable to do anything about it, and feel as helpless as I did. Is this wrong to want it so strongly? Marius is the obvious choice, or perhaps his sister -- Bellatrix is too strong to consider. Sirius already saw to taking away her ability to have children; I believe what would hurt Rodolphus the most is to find a way to end his family line. Knowing his family name will die with him, or his brother, or his son. I only hope Marius' child will be a girl. If I could just kill Marius and Rabastan

That night at the Rehabilitation Centre, when I used the Crutiatus Curse -- I don't regret it. I thought that I would. I have been so afraid of using the Unforgivable Curses, thinking that they would only lead to worse things, that the dark magic would only be an influence to the dark magic inside of me... but I have realised I don't care anymore, and that scares me. I should regret it.

The full moon is soon. I am looking forward to it; I will still be helping Damocles with the potion, but I don't think I would be disappointed if it did not work. To lose myself for one night would be a temporary and very welcome release from all of this. I am so tired of thinking about how much I have lost. They forced me to abandon the home we were going to sta bought together. I understand why. I understand it was too dangerous to stay -- but part of me hoped Rodolphus would come back so that I could face him.

I think that I am going to send Sammie and Lady to stay with my aunt, or maybe your uncle. I want to make sure that they are happy and well taken care of. Staying with me is too dangerous right now, and what if one day I don't Only until the end of the war. Sammie hasn't been sleeping or eating well. She is so loyal to you -- she stays up late into the night waiting for you to come back. How do I explain to a dog that you aren't coming home anymore?

I wish we could've had longer, too. I can't find you this time. You're someplace I can't go because I couldn't find you when Rodolphus took you. I'm so sorry.